Today in my Algebra 1 class, I got so frustrated with a student who is a habitual behavior problem in my class. Every day I have to tell this student to stop talking to his friends, to start doing his work, and to stop turning around (he sits in the front of the class). It’s the turning around that really gets me. I’ll just stop teaching and stare at him, waiting for him to turn around and realize that I’ve caught him doing the one thing that I have harped on him to never do. What I envision in my head when I catch him is him turning back around, recognizing that he isn’t paying attention, and apologizing to me for misbehaving. What actually happens is far different. He usually immediately becomes defensive and says, “Why you lookin’ at me?”. I can feel the blood in my temple boil when he does this. I’ve caught him blatantly disobeying, and he wants to accuse me of doing something wrong?

What I want to do in those moments is unleash a fury of GRE words that will communicate to him (mostly through my tone) how insolent he is being. I can feel my blood pounding and my heart rate rising as I have an internal battle. A part of me wants to make him feel so small, to make him feel ashamed of challenging me. But there’s another part that urges me to keep my cool, to maybe let a little steam out by telling him to stop turning around, but to move forward with class. Today he got me so worked up that he was lucky there were 20+ other students that I was accountable towards. He told me that I need to “chill out a little,” which only caused me to do the opposite. Why is a 16 year old who can’t do basic algebra telling me to calm down?

That was my last class of the day at Delta Streets, so I was able to leave class and think about our interaction. I was frustrated that the student had gotten to me, that his comments had made me feel unglued. While I didn’t go off on him entirely, he had pushed me dangerously close to the edge. What I realized was that I had avoided the first and most important step in controlling our behavior in times when we feel emotionally overwhelmed – I had not even recognized what I was feeling. While it is a running joke that the only thing therapists and counselors talk about is feelings, there is a reason that we focus on them so much. The first step to controlling our reactions is to recognize our emotions. When we do this, it’s the equivalent of taking a 30 second timeout from a stressful situation and simply assessing what’s going on. Although I didn’t take this timeout in the middle of my class today, I was able to do it afterward. I assessed how I was feeling (angry, disrespected, annoyed) and why I was feeling that way (my student cared more about socializing than paying attention, which felt like a slap in the face because of the work I put in to help him learn). After that, I was able to reevaluate the interaction. My student didn’t mean to intentionally disrespect me, he just wanted to talk to his friend behind him. While his actions were disrespectful, they weren’t malicious. In fact, they were pretty typical of what any high schooler would do. This reframe in my own mind helped calm me down and also repair my opinion of my student.

So, if you are struggling (like me) to control your emotional reactions, please consider the importance of how you are feeling first. We can’t control what we feel, but we can control how we react to those feelings. In an effort to control our reactions, follow this outline:

1. Think about what happened. Simply list the events. For example, in my scenario, I caught my student not paying attention and turned around in class.

2. Think about why the situation happened. Try to be objective. For me, my student was probably bored with math and wanted to talk to his friend.

3. Think about how the situation made you feel. This is where you catalog the different emotions you experienced. I felt a variety, from anger and frustration, to disrespect and a desire for revenge.

4. Think about what you want as a result of the event. What did I ultimately want? I wanted my student to apologize and pay attention.

5. Think about what you did and said. This is a chance to recognize how your emotions led to your actions. Is there anything you want to do differently in future situations like this?

Controlling our reactions to overwhelming emotions is so important. These are the moments when we often do things we regret the most. By having a game plan for things we can do to calm down in the heat of the moment, we can give ourselves a chance to avoid sinful behaviors. It is a practical way of life that leads to blessing!